mornin,i reached there so much earlier n mx was late..lol..but really grateful to her for bringin e thread n needle..
cip was not bad..manage to sell finish e teddy bears though our can seemed so light..heehee..n we slacked quite a bit coz we waited till 10.30 then buy food till 11..so in fact,we only did cip for 1h45mins..coz from12.45 to 1.30.we were walkin n literally slackin..
then walked n ate mac before headin for e mrt..in e mrt train,mx was helpin me to adjust my uniform n stuff so tat i can make a final good impression(sincerely thanks a lot,mx)..managed to get 3 mosquitoes bites while waitin for bus(i hope can get dengue lah)..then it was drizzlin while i was walkin to sji(double time to get sick)..n as i walk,i started to get more frightened le..frightened of e fact tat i dun really noe how to break e news out..frightened of e fact tat i was literally alone..
tis whole situation was made worse by e fact tat 1)si ren mr chu er fan er nv come=no one go with me tgt to church*sob*)i ended up sittin beside tis old lady who keep ding zhe wo(so make me cant study n so cant distract myself)....i was really damn ex distracted e whole time..i juz keep smsin..or thinkin how to break e news..
when they doin attendance,they called out la vierge du sourire..n i was like"er,did they call my prasedium"?..then i realised they actually called for my prasedium when there was few moments of silence..so i said.."er,er,pres n treasurer vacant,secretary w/o apologies,vp present"..damn paiseh can..
next part reports-.-""..so i said"er,er,sisters said mornin prayers,did mornin assembly singing and helped out at mass..n er,report on e..er,er...um...erm...(i duno how many er,erm n um i said but i noe it lasts for a few mins n when i keep sayin those,i look left,right front n mostly bottom)(i noe what topic i wanna say but i juz bo xin qing to say n dun quite noe how to phrase it coz i nv do any preparations)after a while,i finally cont sayin"er,sisters laid e altar table n one of us said e word bible but e t'cher heard as watever and she started scoldin n insultin us and said tat mayb shld change e gals who r layin e altar"..i think i nv phrase properly or nv say clearly coz they make me repeat myself n after i repeat,almost everyone laughed(very funny meh?..most prob laugh at my stupidity..coz i cld sense tat freakin mr pro in eng n jonas makin unnecessary comments)..then keenan ask me sth like-wat's my thoughts of layin e altar table..n i replied"er..erm..i dun noe"..then he say u r one of those who r layin e altar table right..n i said ya..then he said sth like-so wat do u feel bout layin e altar table..n i was really dumbfounded..n then i finally said"er..erm..um..it is fun(coz got christabel) but it's also troublesome(nearly wanted to use e word-ma fan)coz u cant put e bag containin all e altar stuff on e floor n then cant put e xtra stuff on e altar table also n then also need to get warm water..then i think he said sth like"thank u sister"..after tat,i said"oh,i got sth to say too"..he ask wat is it..n i say"..er..erm..um..our sch legion is most prob closindown"..then he said"thank u sister for sharin tat with us,we will talk bout tat after e meetin"..n i was like ohmy tian..how great..i was act thinkin of leavin after sayin e news n now,i m stuck at this freakin place..rahh..ohya,as i was sayin e reports n breakin e news..most of e times,i keep lookin down and left..aiyah,i think i really stressed out n emo bout tis whole thing..or else,cannot be so sway tat 2 ppl actually tell me"are u okay"and"you r stressed"le..n ohmy tian,these 2 ppl somemore r from e same class lah..(see if u r able to guess who r those 2 ppl..lol..)..
aiyah..but i felt so damn bloody funny e whole time..it's like when i see mr ming yun,i feel so gan ga..i can nv talk to mr ming yun e same way i use to talk to mr pro in eng..to me,i talk to mr pro in eng pretty much e same like how i talk to mx..but when i talk to mr ming yun,i get e feelin like i m talkin to jeanette like tat..but then,i dun feel gan ga with jeanette..perhaps coz i hate mr pro in eng to e core n he's doro bro,i juz talk to him like how i talk to mx..rahh..wait a min..i talk to most of e ppl like how i talk to mx..n i think hor..e way i talk to mr ming yun aint really like e way i talk to jeanette..it's more like e way how i talk to sandy..there's like a feelin of gan-ga-ness..
aiyah..but i guess all tis aint gonna matter anymore,afterall,i doubt we will ever meet again..perhaps,u all may even forget tat i exist..anyway,pass sweets to mr pro in eng(i hope he rmb to pass to his officers..lol..n also pass sweets to mr ming yun n his fren)..
ohya,n there's another purpose for me to come for legion..wanted to get my revenge on mr pro in eng..i put in a shocker n needle into e enevelope..but i think it end up nv work leh..damn sad lah..
..by right,it shld be a complete sigh of relief tat i dun need to give a damn bout legion..but while on e bus,i cant help but start feelin sad..i needed a source of distraction..but e book nor e radio didnt help..si ren nick chin..screw him lah..if he had come,then i wont feel so cham..luckily i didnt die or else......
then for cat class..went in around 4.15 n everyone starin at me AGAIN..(somemore at e end of e class,e main facilitator was talkin bout cases of ppl bein late..n obviously one of them is me^_^)..we were suppose to close our eyes n meditate n with a song(here i m lord)..n as i heard e tune,i knew e lyrics pretty well n somehow,i couldnt control but let e tears roll down my face(it juz keep comin till e ppl who r on my left n right know bout it;luckily they were gals)..when i thought of e lyrics,i felt even more sad..felt sad tat i had to say tat legion is closin..felt sad coz i feel i dui bu qi god..i really wanna serve him,but e fear within me is juz too immense..i dun wanna be hurt once more..n ohya,on e bus,i felt a sense of emptiness n lost,n i guess it's coz i lost legion..so i also cried coz i realise how much legion also meant to me..n i dun wanna lose god..so even if i really choose to change religion someday,i gotta change to bein a christian le..
n after e meditation part,all of us gotta go to e faciliators for some ritual thing..then i was e last one..heehee(if not for clara,i wldnt even wana go for it)..n my facilitators were tryin to be very nice to me bout tis whole thing..(coz they noe e situation tat i m in..n i really thank them for it mann)..
after cat class,was thinkin of waitin for nick to go home..end up,his fone nv on..n then so i was at e entrance of e church,then my faciliatator saw me(e male de) then he talked to me bout my religion prob..n after e chat,i feel more luan n confused n hopless n lost..so walked out of church,saw nick chin with joshua..but decided not to go n find him..coz later so paiseh..
..i was halfway crossin then i stop coz i saw e car..then tat car drove past me le..i was still standin there..although there were other cars slowly drivin past n i could see tis physically..but somehow,in my mind,e cars aint there..n so i juz took a step..n "beeeeeeeeepppppppp"..e driver beep so as to warn me..oh mann..i got damn shock..
when i finally cross e road,i was thinkin of i shld take mrt or bus..then when i decided to take bus,i walked down e lane to e bus stop which had 963..tat walk seemed so long n never-endin..n as i walked,i felt a great sense of hopelessness n lost..i longed for sth but i duno wat's tat..so as i walked..somehow,tears juz started rollin down e face again..i felt so lost,so hopeless..at tat point of time,i dun wanna go home..i wanna go somewhere but dun noe where..i noe i long for sth but i dun noe wat's tat sth..i felt like dashin out onto e highway,n let a car run over me..i wanted someone to talk to..but i hav no idea..
i stopped a few times in my track..wonderin wat's tat sth i long for..i felt tat i needed to go to e church badly but aint sure coz i told clare tat i not goin for mass n a lot of ppl alrdy see me bein emo at church..finally,i stopped n leaned against a pillar(outside nus math n sci sch)..n i realised i needed jesus badly,i needed e mass,i needed some sort of comfort..so i chiong back..n somehow,tis time,e dist tat i took back church didnt seem so nv-endin..
e heart is willin,e flesh is weak..i end up sleep durin homily coz ex chao tired..but tis time,my attitude towards mass improved a little better..
then after mass,chat with bryan on e fone..n it really felt much better..a lot a lot ex better..n also went to drink bubble tea to freeze myself so tat i can really numb myself physically n hopefully,numb myself emotionally..
i hav been ex emo today..e emo hairstyle,e emo look,e emo behaviour..it seems damn funny how my sadness can turn to guilt n then to numbness n now emo..
< [P]ooh* [L]urver.
Follow the notes upon a journey;
At first sight marks one's destiny;
When the voyage comes to an end;
Return lies within hasty keys.
8:56 AM
Friday, July 27, 2007
..last sat..nick told me u ask him news bout me..i was really on cloud nine..
n apparently,u also nv receive e msgs i send u..coz u told nick tat u nv receive my msgs..
perhaps,wo men zhen de shi you yuan wu fen ba..
but nick also told me sth tat was quite saddenin..
nick was sayin tat my msg very long(as in can b continuous)..then u say if dun wana cont,dun reply me..
er,r u also tryin to say n hint to me tat u actually nv even reply?..
i really dun noe..it's like if tat's e case..y do u still ask nick bout news of me..n y did u tell nick tat u nv receive my msgs for very long..
sometimes,i juz freeze myself..takin cold stuff under cold temperature in hope of freezin my feelings and thoughts..but i guess,tis will nv work out..
< [P]ooh* [L]urver.
Follow the notes upon a journey;
At first sight marks one's destiny;
When the voyage comes to an end;
Return lies within hasty keys.
8:10 AM
yipee..13more days for me to bcome e vp of interact officially..then i can be more free le..
really hav a lot of mixed feelings..
我是失败中最失败的人。。。。我什么都没有 只有轻易地低头 我什么都没有 只有放弃的念头。。。。
on one hand,i feel very shi bai..
but on e other hand,when i decided to make tat decision,there is sense of numbness within me..
it's like there is sadness n bu she de..but i still felt so numb..
i feel very shi bai coz e legion(i guess)is really gonna close down le..n i feel i really failed as a vp..perhaps some see me as away of escapin from wat i need to do..perhaps some see me as a way of being tired and so becoming irresponsible..but if u really understand me,i guess u wld noe e reason..
..to see e legion close is also sth i do not wan..esp with e fact tat it was legion tat i come to stc..esp with e fact tat mother mary led me to join..
initially,i was very heart-broken when i had to face e option of closin down legion..
but as time goes by..tis sense of sadness juz turn into guilt..as in i feel guilty for not bein able to carry it out well..i feel guilty tat i hav let mother mary down by closin it..
but now tis guilt seems to become numbness..no doubt tat a sense of guilt n sadness will surface once in a while,but tis numbness is so strong tat it juz remove e (once strong)sense of guilt and sadness..
i guess u really need to b close to me or hav undergo such a situation to be able to understand all these ba..
< [P]ooh* [L]urver.
Follow the notes upon a journey;
At first sight marks one's destiny;
When the voyage comes to an end;
Return lies within hasty keys.
7:57 AM
Friday, July 20, 2007
i went there to get a chance to see you..
but all i got was juz another bolt of sadness..
i realise i can forget you when i numb myself as in physically..i was havin zesty lime sundae on e bus back home juz now..n e ice-cream was alrdy cold n my hands start to feel pretty numb..on top of tat,i was seated directly under e air-con..so i was leng shang jia leng..n my hands had a hard time moving..n although,i was listening to some sad songs on e radio,i nv feel anythin..
ahh,perhaps we may nv hav a chance to meet anymore le..
but watever it is,thanks for them..
< [P]ooh* [L]urver.
Follow the notes upon a journey;
At first sight marks one's destiny;
When the voyage comes to an end;
Return lies within hasty keys.
9:12 AM
school was pretty much e same except for e fact tat i was being insulted worse than a dog..
rahh..i m reduced to worse than an animal-a dog lah..thanks hor..
fungus said tis:ur handwriting's like ants leaving marks all over the place;it's worse than my dog leaving marks all over the house..
when she say tat,i felt i really somewhat lost my dignity..
it's like tis's e first time someone ever indirectly say wo hao xiang bu ru guo si de..
n it didnt help when i was walkin out of sch,jeanie was teasing me bout it..*hmm,i wonder who told it to her ah*..
then went to j8..(act wanna go tiong but was running late)
went with gayathree,shalini n jolyn..gayathree needed to buy lit guide book n foolscap paper..n by e time,we were done..it was pretty late le..
so went to mac to grab quick bite..n went off to RJC..
their sch's really freakin big n nice..also,the art pieces r really beautiful n realistic..but e buildings do look pretty greenish..
nearly slept for e installation coz very tired but e video tat they made n e performance did keep me awake..heehee..
after tat,jolyn's parents fetch me to outram mrt station n gaythree n shalini to gayathree's house..
..n i was pretty freaked out on e train..all thanks to jolyn mum lah..>,<..
< [P]ooh* [L]urver.
Follow the notes upon a journey;
At first sight marks one's destiny;
When the voyage comes to an end;
Return lies within hasty keys.
8:54 AM
Friday, July 13, 2007
today's cca ex fun n meaningful..but it was real tiring too..
coz e spd's charity show is comin up tis sun,so we were helping out to set up e telephone lines which is very fun..all the sticking of tape n handling of wires..then at e end of it,we were still each given kinder bueano..
but after eating it(sharing with my sis)..i got a sore throat sei..
< [P]ooh* [L]urver.
Follow the notes upon a journey;
At first sight marks one's destiny;
When the voyage comes to an end;
Return lies within hasty keys.
8:33 AM
Friday, July 6, 2007
wahh..e most pek de mass i hav ever helped out in..
chris n i went to get warm water n bring it to e theatrette.then i brought tis recyclable bag n then we went up to e hall(which had e rm tat contains e altar things)..
more bout e bag..norm,e mass is in e hall or audi(bside e hall)so it was easy to move e altar things here n there..but today,they wanted it at tis theatrette(aka rm for mass) which is on level 1(hall n audi n level 2),n so i decided to take get all e stuff tat we need for e mass from e r at e hall n then put it in e bag n bring it to e theatrette..also,i decided to leave e bag of stuff after mass at lok-ness monster so tat all of us can go back class quickly..
then when we reach e theatrette,gor-meh(e t'cher who insulted me)said sth like to my junior n i-y r u so late..we said we went to e hall to collect e stuff.then she say y r u so slow.then we say coz we had to pack e things n there r quite a no of things..
i was alrdy kinda piss with her..it's like we need time to pack n walk..n there were only 2 of us but quite a number of stuff to get..n somemore,some of these r fragile(like e things for e water n wine)..
then my junior was usin her hp because she wanna use e camera in her phone to take pic of e altar arrangement(coz she will be takin over from me n she noe tat i can be x blur at times)..but e freakin gor-meh nv even give her a chance to explain then gor-meh say to her"dun use ur hp here.go outside n finish ur call."it's seriously omg n wth,my fren wasnt even talkin..so how can she make a call..
n then,she ask my junior y i use tat bag..my junior say sth like coz it's more convienient..n then she start yakin so loudly,"it's not bout convienient,it's bout respect"..
after a while,she was movin e stuff here n there.n it occured to me tat e wine n water glass thingy was placed wrongly so i bring it over to e right side then she say it's wrong(forget it,i shant waste my breath to argue with her)..tat after she say it's wrong,then i was like"how bout e bible?"..
..n of all things,she heard it as "watever"..n she scolded me sayin sth like"how can i say watever when doin such a thing(which refers to layin of altar stuff) n how can u all hav such attitude..tat's y everytime nv do properly.mayb shld change all e gals who r layin altar table coz u all hav such attitude"
..i didnt quite listen to all tat she say coz my mind was pretty much in a blank..coz i cant believe of all things,she can actually hear it as watever..watever is so not sth i will ever use..if i use it,i will also use it to my frens..
wth..kenasai..%^*)($)&^#)&$#_$&..i m considered guai n she actually say i got tis kind of attitude..it's like who's she to say..she aint even e t'cher in charge(it's dp n lok-ness monster)..but yet e 2 of them trust me n my junior fully bout layin altar table..n yet she juz come in n be xtra n start yakin at us..
e moment we finish e laying of altar table..i was so bloody freaking pissed,i juz left e theatrette n walked away..n then nvm,at e end of mass..she act so nice n good..askin e students"where do u prefer to go for mass,hall or audi?"..n she was acting so damn fake..i feel like going up there to strangle her or sth..
it's like today,after so long..my junior n i were so hyper in e morn..n end up,our,wat we thought wld be a beautiful,morn was freakingly ruined by her..
n tis is not e first time le..she has taken things too far le..there's tis time damn ridiculous..coz we were counting hosts.then e hosts r in tis metal tin so we left e tin on e altar table.then she started scoldin us n sayin y we leave it on e altar table..but it's like we r countin e hosts leh,then where else shld we leave it?..
then another time,we left e bag which contained altar stuff on e floor n she was like"u all shldnt put it on e floor,there's no respect ..blah blah"so after tat time,we put it on e chair.then coz also a lot of things,so we also left some stuff on e altar table,she was like"wat r all these on e table.if it's not needed dun put it on e table."then she start sayin bout her respect n blah blah..
it's seriously wth lah.u say dun put on floor coz it's disrepect.fine,i hav no comments.then put on e altar table coz there's no space,u also complain.where else shld i put it at?..nan dao put on our head meh?..
then also after e mass,wanna quickly pack up..so ask dp if can go pack up..n she said go.then brother bear say sylvia,wait..n then say chris,wait..so chris kinda buay shuang with me..n he's e 2nd t'cher within 4 hrs tat i arrive sch who find fault with me le..
then during eng class,i was juz lookin at e t'cher..half awake(coz after every mass,i m ex tired)then she suddenly say my name n i was like "huh"..then afterwards,she bo chap me le..
then in e 4th hr,got bio..so need to do bio wb but i cant find mine..so normally when we go over to e other bio lab to get stuff,we dun need any permission from e other lab's t'cher..
but today coz my bio wb with some other ppl was at e other lab,so we went over..n tat freakin t'cher(e one at e other lab) started scoldin sth like-which class r u all?how can u all come in n disrupt my class?"..
i was so freakin pissed tat i juz throw my bio book on e table..
within 4 hrs,4 t'chers find fault in me(either directly or indirectly.either big or small)..
e day seriously cant be worse..n *sob*..i didnt get to drink my fave bubble tea when i went to NJ..
..e swayness in my life aint ever gonna end..
< [P]ooh* [L]urver.
Follow the notes upon a journey;
At first sight marks one's destiny;
When the voyage comes to an end;
Return lies within hasty keys.
8:29 AM
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
我突然好想见你一面。。。。
不知道为什么。。。。
但我好想好想见你啊！
眼看机会摆在我眼前，
但我还好怕哦。。。。
coz there's a cip at united square on sat..n perhaps if i go,i may be able to see u if it's fated..or perhaps,i shld even choose to go for church at thomson..then later,go for e cip then i will be able to see u..n also,there's a RJC installation,tat i m intendin to go..perhaps,when my frens n i go around tat area for dinner,i can be able to c u if it's fated..but i hav nv seen u in person before(or hav i?)..how m i gonna be able to recognise u ah..
啊。。。。
我的心好、好乱啊！。。。。
想见你。。。。
但是，如果即使我见到你，我们会跟对方说些什么呢？。。场面会太尴尬了。。
< [P]ooh* [L]urver.
Follow the notes upon a journey;
At first sight marks one's destiny;
When the voyage comes to an end;
Return lies within hasty keys.
4:56 AM
..i heard tis song by 许茹芸 on e radio n it's called 好听..n i feel tat i can relate to it so very much..anyway,tis is e original lyrics..n e edited version's e one(which is how i feel bout everythin) is below e original one..
original version
你说的话我都相信
说得好听说得甜蜜
你说的每一句我都相信
为了爱情失了聪明
听你的话闭上眼睛
这个梦多美丽让它继续
你说的话总那么好听
你爱不爱我不能确定
也许你只把他当游戏
我却爱得太用力
你说的话我都相信
说得好听说得甜蜜
你说的每一句我都相信
为了爱情失了聪明
听你的话闭上眼睛
这个梦多美丽让它继续
你说的话总那么好听
你爱不爱我不能确定
也许你只把爱当游戏
我却没那么聪明
你说的话总那么好听
你爱不爱我不想确定
我会关掉你送的手机
然后静静不去理
edited version
你发的简迅我都相信
写得好听写得甜蜜
你写的每一句我都相信
为了爱情失了聪明
看你的话闭上眼睛
这个梦多美丽让它继续
你发的简迅我都相信
你爱不爱我不能确定
也许你只把它当游戏
我却爱得太用力
你发的简迅我都相信
写得好听写得甜蜜
你写的每一句我都相信
为了爱情失了聪明
看你的简讯闭上眼睛
这个梦多美丽让它继续
你写的简讯总那么好听
你爱不爱我不能确定
也许你只把爱当游戏
我却没那么聪明
你发的简迅总那么好听
你爱不爱我不想确定
我会关掉我的的手机
然后静静不去理
< [P]ooh* [L]urver.
Follow the notes upon a journey;
At first sight marks one's destiny;
When the voyage comes to an end;
Return lies within hasty keys.
4:33 AM
Monday, July 2, 2007
我想念去年的冬天，下着雪的那一夜，
你给的温柔紧握的双手，温暖整个寒冬，
失去了曾经的拥有，在你离开以后，
带走了笑容，只留下寂寞，
忘了幸福是什么。。。。
没有你的夜特别的漆黑，只能闭上双眼去感觉，
没有我的夜谁在你身边，代替了那个从前。。。。
能不能再听一次你说爱我，
回到还在你怀里的时候。。。。
能不能让我，再一次拥有曾属于我的温柔。。。。
out of all e songs..tis is e song－再一次拥有 which would best fit my feelings..
everytime when i hear a sad song..thoughts of u will juz flow to my mind..till today,i still dun wan to think tat u actually lied to me..i keep clinging to e hope tat all u hav every said is e truth..
cg told me on wed(or is it tue) tat u msged her n said tat ur phone is spoilt n tat u were busy with work..
i dun noe how true is tat..coz it also didnt sound like u..n then donkey told me tat u tell him tat u nv receive his msg(tat i ask him to send)..n i hav decided to let u be aka as mr wan yan bu po..完颜不破..it's one of e characters from 我和僵尸有个约会III..perhaps coz tis was one of e shows tat i told u tat i m watchin n also,coz i wanted a chim-na name so i decided to use mr wan yan bu po..
u noe right..it's really funny how come i nv get such feelings with other ppl..
it's like even for e cj guy,we did msg n somemore met to go for curia..n even though he stop msgin after 2 weeks but e sadness tat i felt merely lasted 2 weeks..
but then..after 2 weeks plus,e sadness coz of u still cant be vanished..
ohya..n cha will be aka as mr ming yun(also another character from that show)
n even though i intend not to msg mr ming yun anymore but i dun quite feel any sadness..even though mr ming yun n i hav msged e longest..but seriously,there doesnt quite seem to be any kind of sadness within me..
perhaps coz someone told me he's a flirt n perhaps,he really is one..or perhaps,wo dui ta mei you dui ni na zhong hao gan..or shld i say gan jue..
n also mayb as wat sandra tell me before(when u juz break up with ur bf,but u constantly hav someone to msg n to distract u,u wont feel any sadness nor emptiness)..(although she used e word-bf,but for my context,i dun hav e word bf hor..)
n true n indeed,i did msg jeanette today n also,talk to donkey to prevent any sadness tat i m feel from stop smsin mr ming yun..but i think e smses n chat r a bit needless coz it seem pretty pointless to carry on coz mr ming yun also dun seem to wan n also coz of his personality..
e emptiness u(mr wan yan bu po) caused in my heart is really so great..sometimes,i juz msg mr ming yun to fill tat emptiness n to stop thinkin of u for a while..but i noe if i cont doin tis,i m juz bluffin myself..
because i didnt want to cont bluffin myself,i also decide to stop smsin mr ming yun..
a fren told me tis today-i told u all guys r idiots..dun mix with them la
in e past before i noe u,whenever i stop msgin someone,there wld be some sort of emptiness for a while..but after 2 weeks or so,i wont feel any emptiness..
but with u..it's totally diff..2 weeks++ hav passed,but that emptiness within me juz wont seem to subside..n sometimes,it juz get worse..
i dun really noe wat i wan..do i wanna see u or do i juz wanna cont msg..
n sometimes,frankly speakin,i seem unsure of my feelings..
..i juz bury myself in tears at e thought of u..
..i juz bury myself in tears at e thought of our partin..
< [P]ooh* [L]urver.
Follow the notes upon a journey;
At first sight marks one's destiny;
When the voyage comes to an end;
Return lies within hasty keys.
5:41 AM